Those Who Mourn

by Allison Brown

My grief has been creating a whirlwind of emotions recently.

Around me are families who have recently welcomed a new little bundle of joy into the world. At the same time, I am acutely aware that I should now be holding my beautiful babies in my arms. And so I find myself feeling that my heart will surely burst with both joy and sorrow.

Once again, I want to cry out to the Lord and demand an answer. How could He do this to me? The suffering from this loss has been profound. I still find myself in tears around babies or twins. The loss of our babies also had a significant impact on our daughter. She has struggled to process and understand it all, often asking questions about death. Her innocent curiosity and the weight of her understanding have added another layer to our grief. It pained me to know she, too, was hurting.

While I have struggled with God’s lack of a direct answer, I have realised that He has quietly guided me. Though not always clear, His lessons have been a source of comfort and guidance in my healing journey. My faith has been a beacon of hope through this period of grief, guiding me towards acceptance and understanding. It’s through my faith that I’ve found the strength to forgive, to let go of my pain, and to focus on the present moment and the people around me.

This has been an important lesson for me. In the past, my emotions would overwhelm me, making it difficult to see anything beyond the source of my pain. However, recently, I’ve been able to experience a healthier emotional response. This process has taught me the importance of forgiveness, understanding, and living in the present moment with the Lord. It’s a journey towards a more profound understanding of others’ pain and joy and an opportunity to truly see the person before me.

My tears continue to flow, and my heart still aches with grief. Yet, this sorrow is not consuming me. The Lord has transformed my grief into a source of healing and growth, showcasing the glory of His love for me. He has taught me that even though I may be feeling pain and loss, with His grace, I am able to respond with joy for others’ happiness or compassion for their suffering. I can allow the tears to flow in grief while simultaneously feeling so much joy for the new life He has surrounded us with. This response is a gift and an act of the will deeply rooted in the desire to serve others while surrendering it all to the Lord.

Surrendering has helped me through my most difficult moments of grief. Instead of holding onto it as if it were a life raft, I can let go, inviting the Lord to guide me through the darkness, transforming pain into healing and hope.

Photo by Laura Barry on Unsplash

As I continue to navigate these waters of grief, I find strength in knowing that I am loved and my babies are loved beyond the physical limitations of this world. I find comfort in knowing that the Lord has used my grief for personal growth and healing, bringing me closer to Him. Amid this grief, I have found a more profound and authentic love for the people around me, a love where I think of myself less and think of others more. A love that has buried its roots deep into my soul and draws me towards wanting to be a “little” Christ for others.

During this grieving period, I have discovered a newfound peace and a new sense of freedom. This freedom has me standing in confidence, knowing I am loved by many. The peace I am discovering comes from staying in the present moment. By surrendering, I can respond with healthy emotions and faith, trusting that the Lord is in control. Jesus knows what I need at any given moment and will surely provide it. I am loved beyond measure, and I stand confidently in the hope that one day, I will be reunited with all my heavenly babies.

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