by Nichole Haugen
Après by Frederick Walker – 1860
After a loved one has died, there are many things that can trigger your grief.
Sometimes you expect to be triggered, like when a birthday or a holiday is coming. Sometimes, however, your grief is unexpected.
When unexpected grief happens, your first instinct may be to hide it – to distract yourself and keep moving. But when you continue doing this, the grief can build up. You may find yourself crying even more or becoming short tempered with others.
Here are five simple tips that can help you to allow the grief, and then move on in a healthy way.
1. State the feeling by name.
What emotion are you feeling? Sadness? Anger? Resentment?
By stating the feeling by name, you can regain control. During a time when so many things are out of your control, giving our emotion a name helps you to focus and feel in control of it.
2. Allow the feeling.
Sometimes during a trigger, you may not be in a good place to feel and process your emotions, such as a public place. That is fine. As soon as you are able, find a bathroom or quiet spot. Recall what brought up the emotion and name the emotion. Feel it in your body. Where is it? Is it a tightness in your shoulders? An increased heartbeat? A queasiness in your stomach? Describe it in detail. Does it radiate anywhere? What color is it? If it was an image, what would it look like?
For example: When I feel lonely, it is like a crushing weight on my shoulders that radiates to my stomach. In my stomach it feels like the bottom of my stomach is dropping out. It is a dark purple. If it was an image it would be like a dark rain cloud moving closer and closer.
Sit with that feeling. As you sit with it, the feeling should pass within 60-90 seconds.
3. Have compassion for yourself.
Every time we experience grief, it may show up a little bit differently. This means that even the things you expect can be unexpected.
It can be helpful to have phrases ready to say to yourself, such as:
“You are not crazy, you are grieving.”
“What do you need right now?” and
“What would make things easier for you in this moment?”
Grief takes time. In a world where everything is instant, taking time to grieve can make you feel as if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you; this is normal. And comparing your grief to others’, will only make you feel worse.
Everyone’s grief journey is a little different. Nothing has gone wrong.
4. Start with basics.
Often in the heaviest of grief, you may forget to take care of your basic needs. You may overeat or undereat. You may not drink enough water. You might not remember the last time you went for a short walk, or just got outside for fresh air and sunshine..
It’s ideal to try to get in food, water, and movement each day.
What if you put a water bottle in the fridge the night before so it’s cold for the morning? What if you prepared lunch the night before? What if everyday when you got home from work, you walked around your house 5 times before going inside? How can you find little bits of time to prioritize taking care of yourself?
We may think we are being selfish by doing this, but the reality is we are being selfish when we don’t. Others around us may suffer if we don’t make some time to take care of ourselves.
5. Make a list of 20 simple things that bring you joy.
Grief can leave you struggling to find things you enjoy. You may be so busy taking care of others that you forget what you love. When this happens, self care feels heavy.
Slowly integrating more of the little things that you enjoy into every day can help you to recognize that self care can be simple.
For example, I love coffee, fuzzy blankets, reading, and popcorn. I try most nights to wrap up in a fuzzy blanket and have a small bowl of popcorn when I am enjoying my favorite TV show or a book.
Start with 5 minutes today. If 5 minutes feels too hard, start with 2 or 3 minutes.
Allow yourself the time you need to feel your emotions while remaining compassionate and caring towards yourself. This can help the healing process and enable you to move through your grief in a more gentle way.
Nichole Haugen is a wife, mom of 6 girls, nurse, and grief coach. She lost both her parents in 2019, 4 months apart. After struggling with grief for many years, she is now helping others manage their grief in healthy ways, by allowing the feelings instead of suppressing them and prolonging them. Learn how you can work with Nichole at catholicgriefcoach.com