by Nichole Haugen
When my parents died, I had six young children. Life did not stop because I was grieving. I was helping with spelling words, going to work, making treats to bring to school, making sure everyone had clean clothes, and all the while silently grieving.
When you are a parent, especially a parent of young children, you feel like your grief needs to be put on hold for them. You dry their tears, comfort them, and then secretly cry in the shower. You want someone to comfort you but nothing seems to take away the pain.
We often believe that we need to be strong for our children. What does it mean to be strong? When I think about role models in my life that I think are strong, what does not come to mind is how much they hide away their feelings and don’t talk about things. What does come to mind is the word vulnerable. They are able to express how they feel without trying to place blame or guilt. They persevere in their faith. They don’t have all the answers but are honest about that. That is really what children need. We don’t need to hold it all together, we just need to be honest about when we can’t.
Mother’s goodnight kiss, Mary Cassatt, 1888.
Children don’t need us to shield them from the sad emotions we feel, they need us to be honest about them. In order to do that, we need to know what we are feeling. It may be helpful to look at a feelings wheel when first starting to help you identify your feeling. Then speak honestly to your child(ren). Tell them you are sad that grandma died and you miss her. This also gives them the space to share how they are feeling.
It can also be helpful to incorporate a few routines that helps you remember your loved one and also brings structure and consistency to your home. These can include saying a bedtime prayer where you pray for the deceased by name, lighting a candle every Sunday after Mass for your loved one, or having ice cream every Saturday night because it was Grandpa’s favorite. Doing simple things but vocalizing that these are in memory of a loved one can invite open honest conversations.
Another pain point in grief is watching your child doing something your mom would have loved. This is another sharp reminder that they are not there and that so much has changed that they haven’t been a part of. Birthdays and holidays with my children were bittersweet and still often are. I am excited for my child on their birthday. I often am sad on those days too. I like to remind myself that this is normal. Nothing has gone wrong. When the emotions are stronger or I can feel myself become tense or overwhelmed due to this, I take a moment to excuse myself, go to the bathroom and take a 30 second pause. I will rest my hand on my chest, and take a deep breath. Allowing the sadness instead of pushing it away, allows it to naturally fade. If it comes back, I just know I can repeat these steps as often as I need.
We can have an unspoken fear that something might also happen to us. We feel the pressure of having to know all the answers now. It is normal to feel this weight. Again, I like to tell myself that this is normal and nothing has gone wrong. Then I gently remind myself that no one has all the answers, my parents didn’t either. I then ask myself, where can I find the answers? Can I ask an aunt or uncle, can I search for it online? Every time I solve a problem, I am teaching myself that I can handle hard things. I learn and grow in knowledge and self-confidence. This also teaches my children that it’s ok to not know everything all the time. At times, I even ask my children what they would do to help solve this or if they have any ideas.
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In order to help our children in their grief we must first help ourselves. It can be hard to do, but truly is the least selfish thing we can do. Taking care of ourselves can feel hard and overwhelming but the smallest steps can sometimes make the biggest impact in our lives, like going for a daily walk, journaling, having a dance party in the kitchen, asking others for help so you can have a few hours to yourself a week, talking to a friend, or finding a coach, counselor, therapist, or grief group to help you.
Grief does not mean you are failing your children. It means you loved deeply.
Nichole Haugen is a wife, mom to six girls, nurse, and grief coach. In 2019, her dad passed away after a long fight with cancer, and just four months later, her mom died suddenly in a winter storm. Now she supports others on their grief journeys, helping them feel understood and reminding them they don’t have to face it alone. You can learn more about Nichole at catholicgriefcoach.com, or follow her on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram.