by Nichole Haugen
After a loved one dies it seems like people come out of the woodwork telling us how to grieve and move on. What if you are not ready for that? How do you know when itโs time to โmove on?โ Or more specifically start to clean out your loved oneโs house, or room, or closet?
One of the more common sayings I hear is, “Itโs been a year. I should be able to go through their things and get rid of them.”
My job is to coach people through thoughts like this. I ask questions like What would it look like if you were ready? Describe that. How would you feel? Why does it matter that x amount of time has passed? What does it mean that itโs been a year? Somewhere along the line we as a society believe that a year is an acceptable time to grieve and then on that date we can move on. This is simply not true.
Grief is a scar that we forever carry. The healing is different for each person. You wouldnโt tell a person who broke their leg, “Itโs been a week, get up and walk now.” Yet, we place that unrealistic expectation on ourselves in the healing process of grief. If your grief still feels like an open wound, itโs not time to get to work cleaning out their clothes, you need more healing first.
Photo by Nguyแป n Hiแปp on Unsplash
So how do you know if the grief is still an open wound or a scar that can handle a little bit more?
It depends on the situation. Look at the facts of your unique situation and decide what is needed. For example, maybe you need to clear out the deceased person’s house or apartment for the financial reasons of selling it, or not being able to cover rent long term.
After deciding what is needed, consider your options. Can you rent a storage unit for three to six months to have a place to store their things without the pain of going through everything right away, or to do it more slowly? Do you know that there are only a handful of things that you want to keep and the rest you know will be donated or thrown away? There are options with everything, and so often we can forget that.
Once you have the immediate need taken care of, it’s time to consider the harder part: the emotions and feelings that come along with going through your loved one’s items.
Going through their things has a permanent feeling. It feels like we are losing that person all over again. We might think about having to go through their things constantly, but donโt take any action to do the task. Thinking about it, and ruminating on it, can make us feel exhausted mentally and emotionally. We feel awful about it so we might turn to overeating, over drinking, binge watching Netflix, or scrolling on our phone all hours of the day or night instead of taking action.
When my parents died, what surprised me most about going through the more personal items such as clothing, jewelry, or things they used every day was the intensity of emotions that came with this. My siblings and I had the gift of time before we started going through my parents’ things. We worked our way slowly through items. We started with easy things that we knew were going to be thrown away. We didnโt get to the personal items until a couple years later. I thought it would be easier since time had passed, but it was not. It was still extremely emotional and stressful.
Part of the frustration was that my brother, sister, and I were all in different stages in our grief journey. When I was at a place that I felt ready to go through things, they weren’t. When they then decided they were ready, I wasnโt ready. This is normal. Even though we all experienced losing our parents the same way, we all were walking a different grief path. There was frustration that came with this at times. This tension and stress are feelings in our body that we can label. Itโs normal to feel this way. Nothing has gone wrong, itโs your body’s normal response to this situation.
As you work through the different material possessions there may be items you donโt want to get rid of, but donโt really want or have a need for. For example, clothing items may be a different style or size that doesnโt fit anyone. If your loved one wore them everyday, accepting that you have no need for them can feel tragic. But again, consider what your options are. Can you put them in totes to keep them for now, to go through them when ready? If you’re not ready to handle the clothes, what can you sort through instead? Can you go through their shoes, but save the shirts to sort through later? Can you go through hats, and save jewelry for later? If you’re not ready to get rid of any of that, start with paper or trinkets that no one uses. A good indicator that you are not ready is if the thought of getting rid of any clothes makes you feel anxious or upset, maybe even like a physical pit in your stomach.
The biggest reason people rush this process is the pressure they feel from others. Someone may have said a comment in passing and now you feel like you are failing or behind. This is not a race. You are not behind. This grief is yours to process as you see fit. You get to decide what this journey looks like for you. What do you need during this time? Do the clothes cause you anxiety, guilt, or shame? Then work on getting rid of just a couple things. If the clothes donโt bother you and you want to keep them for a while, then keep them. Your brain might want you to feel like this is wrong. Just remind yourself that this is okay. Nothing has gone wrong. You get to choose what is best for you right now.
Nichole Haugen is a wife, mom to six girls, nurse, and grief coach. She supports others on their grief journeys, helping them feel understood and reminding them they donโt have to face it alone. Learn how you can work with Nichole at catholicgriefcoach.com, or follow her on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram.