After the initial shock and numbness of death wears off, you may find yourself not only mourning the future moments with your loved one, but also past memories. You may find yourself thinking things like, “I wish I had told them thank you more,” or “Why didn’t I appreciate all they did for me instead of snapping at them?”
This is a natural step in the grief process. Many people don’t talk about this pain because it can feel very shameful. There may even be a fear that people will agree with these hidden thoughts and confirm that you are a horrible person.
You are not a horrible person. You are a human.
Humans have the tendency to take love and presence for granted.
Death brings a clarity that we didn’t have before. We suddenly see what was precious and holy in the ordinary. This clarity can be a good thing in some ways, but can also cause us feelings of guilt and shame.
Weeping Woman, Gustave Vanaise
Shortly after my parents died I found myself stuck in a “what if” spiral. Most often this would happen during quiet moments like driving, in the shower, or at night. The what if spiral would start swirling with a single thought, then pretty soon it would be a tornado of what if’s and how it was my fault that my dad died in pain, or that my mom missed her turn that stormy night. The “what if” spiral can be sneaky and last hours to days at a time.
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The first thing to do is recognize it. I like to very intentionally say, in my mind or out loud, “Nichole, you are in a grief spiral, stop it.”
Then I like to ask myself why am I getting stuck here. Sometimes it is coming up on a death anniversary or other celebration/holiday. Other times it’s because I am tired and feel behind, or like I am failing in other ways. This helps me put into context why this is happening. I speak phrases to myself, such as, “Of course you are thinking about this now,” and “You are safe,” or “You are loved.”
I take 60 to 90 seconds to sit with my feeling of guilt, shame, or overwhelm.
Next, I list the facts. The fact is there was nothing more that I could have done. I did everything I could with the information I had. I keep listing what else I did until I can’t think of anything else.
Once I have calmed down my “what if” spiral (also known as a stress response), then I bring it all to God. I bring my worries, my doubts, my fears, my wanting to surrender but not knowing if I am doing it “right” – everything.
I ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts. I ask the Divine Physician to heal all of my brokenness in this area. I ask Mother Mary to wrap me up in her mantle.
It is important that we do this in this order: first to calm down our nervous system, and then to reach out to God. When we reach out to God in a panicked way, we can sometimes use this as another way to shame ourselves. But God accepts us and loves us; He is never condemning or shaming.
Remember there is no time like the present. When we find the “what ifs” creeping in, use that opportunity thank the person now in your heart. Write them a letter telling them how much you appreciated everything they did for you. Have a Mass said for them. You can do acts of service in their name.
God is not limited to time and space. He can take our offerings and prayers of gratitude from now and place them wherever they need to be.
Nichole Haugen is a wife, mom to six girls, nurse, and grief coach. In 2019, her dad passed away after a long fight with cancer, and just four months later, her mom died suddenly in a winter storm. Now she supports others on their grief journeys, helping them feel understood and reminding them they don’t have to face it alone. You can learn more about Nichole at catholicgriefcoach.com, or follow her on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram.