Those Who Mourn

by Marie Brousseau

Many men and women the world over have experienced involuntary infertility or childlessness in varying degrees of personal impact. Whatever the physical, psychological, or social repercussions which accompany the lack of children in their lives, one aspect they have in common is the maternal and paternal instinct which needs to be expressed. Spouses who were looking forward to having children and are faced with the reality of not having them need not despair; the nurturing instinct can be assuaged somewhat by giving oneself completely to the caring love of others.

One can be childless for many reasons, including infertility, medical conditions, miscarriage, and illness. According to the National Library of Medicine, there are between 70 and 80 million couples globally who are infertile, while tens of millions more are childless. Sometimes, being childless just seems to come about by happenstance. While desiring to get married, many people have simply not found a soul mate to share the rest of their lives with; they thus live a life of celibacy in accordance with their moral and religious beliefs and are consequently childless. They still retain the ingrained instinct of nurturing which will need to be expressed in ways other than actual childrearing. Research has shown that involuntary childlessness has serious psychological consequences such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and feelings of blame and guilt. People will react differently to being childless; there are social and spiritual options that may help to cope with the need to express one’s nurturing emotions.

For those who are married and childless, adoption is one of the options available, along with fertility treatments or other medical choices. However, for those who do not wish to go this route for various reasons, fulfilling the need to care and nurture can be achieved in other ways.

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I am a childless woman, involuntarily, due to challenging life circumstances. I have always accepted this situation as God’s will for me. As the years went by, I gradually realized that I possessed a very strong maternal instinct. This became increasingly evident while I was caring for my mother who suffered from different medical conditions for over a decade. She effectively became my child, so to speak, in a not uncommon situation of role reversal. During this period of my life, I developed a “caretaker sentiment”: I had an inherent desire to take care of others. After my mother’s death, I became a companion to ill and elderly residents in nursing homes, forging beautiful friendships with them and with their family members. I was blessed to have had the opportunity of caring for others; I was putting my maternal feelings to good use, both for myself and for others. This is one of the options which childless people can consider: there are nursing homes and retirement residences in every city where one can volunteer one’s time to accompany elderly people. It may seem paradoxical to want a child but care for a person at the other end of the age spectrum. Yet, it does make sense: for example, I have often put bibs on elderly residents and spoon-fed them since they were unable to feed themselves due to crippling conditions such as Parkinson’s disease and other ailments. Their loving smiles of gratitude filled my heart with tenderness. My caring nature was indeed fulfilled in those instances.

By the time I got married, it became increasingly improbable that I would bear children; I was getting on in years. I am now completely infertile because of my age. Be that as it may, I am very maternal towards my husband, and I love taking care of him. Reciprocally, he tends to be paternal towards me, being slightly older, which suits me just fine. Our nurturing instincts are thus expressed through our caring attention to each other. We are also blessed to be able to use our need to nurture in other ways; for me, being a teacher means being with children and adolescents daily. For my husband, his garden is a way of expressing his nurturing instinct. He is an accomplished gardener and every spring, he plunges wholeheartedly into growing fruits and vegetables to feed both our household and those of his siblings. He always asks God to bless his garden and to make it fruitful, and he gives thanks to God for the abundance of his crops. I watch him tend the fragile seedlings with the utmost care, watching them blossom into beautiful plants, playfully calling them his “babies.” I can just imagine what a wonderful attentive father he would have been with a baby of ours in his arms.

The Gardener, Jenny Montigny

As for me, being a teacher has been immensely positive in many ways, especially in nurturing and educating children. I currently teach high school, however before opting to teach at the high school level, I spent many years teaching at the elementary level. I had very small classes, only eight to ten children per class. It was marvelous. I got to know my sweet little pupils very well and forged lasting bonds with their parents and siblings, to this day. They are now all grown up, married, with children of their own. I see them regularly. I have had more children in my life than I ever thought possible. Now that I am teaching high school, my students may be older, but they are as needful of attention and guidance as younger children. In fact, when an acquaintance recently asked me if I had any children, I answered no, not biologically, but I do have dozens of adolescents every day to keep me fully engaged. In other words, my life is filled with children of varying ages. I thank God for having granted me hundreds of children and teens throughout my teaching career, where my maternal instinct was amply fulfilled.

I was blessed to have personal and professional circumstances align with my specific situation. But this is not the case for everyone. Sometimes, one needs to search far and wide to be able to find consolation in not having children. It is too easy to tell people to adopt or foster children; these options can take many years to achieve. There is also the financial aspect to consider when embarking on the adoption path: legal fees, agency fees and travel costs, among others. For believers however, faith and prayer may help to live a joyful and serene life. God has a plan for each person; perhaps it is His will at play. He will lead you where you need to be to live an abundant life.

In addition to not bearing children, some people have suffered the trauma of losing the child that they bore or losing their child through miscarriage. In both my own and my husband’s family, there has been much grief over losing a child to accident, illness or suicide. The loss of one’s child is almost unbearable; even decades later, the emotional pain is still tangible. Somehow, these parents survived their loss, yet one can still see the pain and longing in their eyes. There is no easy answer to such a devastating experience. We can only offer our hearts and emotional support as best we can, and pray for them.

In closing, whatever the reasons for being involuntarily childless, it is a difficult situation for all involved. Let us ask our heavenly mother Mary, Mother of God, to envelop us in her consoling motherly embrace. May God bless all childless spouses, and may they find comfort and consolation through their loving care of everyone in their midst.

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