Those Who Mourn

by Belinda Terro Mooney

God’s grace is wonderful and amazing , especially in times of grief. I have learned to truly understand that “The LORD is close to the broken-hearted.” (Ps 34:18) While we don’t always feel Him, we can still call upon Him and rely on His strength to sustain us through the trial at hand. I have seven children here on earth and two miscarried babies. I want to share the incredible story of the first child I lost in the hopes that it might inspire and encourage you to know that God always accompanies us in our grief. We can rely on Him and be carried in the arms of Jesus.

When I was 34 years old, I conceived a baby that I named Jade Clare. She was conceived only eight months after I delivered my third son, Jordan, and was still nursing on demand.  
I knew something was wrong when I began to bleed on and off for about a week. The doctor I went to didn’t tell me to have bed rest but said that if I was going to miscarry then it was going to happen whether I did anything about it or not. I regret not going on bed rest so that I would know I had done everything I could. On the day that I miscarried, I went to a prayer meeting and asked people to pray over me. I wanted so much to keep the baby. The prayers were very beautiful, and I could feel the peace and the love of the Holy Spirit coming down around us. The leader of the group said later when he heard that I had miscarried that he didn’t understand because he knew that God had given us a healing. Yes, He did. He healed me to prepare me to accept His will and to help me through my grief. I didn’t know that at the time, but understood in hindsight.

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Unfortunately, as I left the building after the prayers, I felt the increase of blood flow. I knew that I was miscarrying. I didn’t understand how the bleeding was getting worse if the prayers had worked. As I went home and then sat in the little Chapel we had made out of a third bedroom in our home, I found it very challenging to say yes to God about losing the baby. I prayed, begged, pleaded, and cried for a solid hour. I couldn’t understand why He would give me a baby, allow such a beautiful prayer experience to happen, and still allow me to have a miscarriage. However, I finally got to the point that I realized that God’s will needed to be done whether I understood why or not. I can truly say that as hard as accepting God’s will was, this acceptance was very critical for me. Once I reached this point, I didn’t feel frantic and worried. Instead, I felt a deep peace, and even though I didn’t fully understand, I knew that He was guiding me through this.

I also prayed for help as I was terribly afraid. My mom, grandmom, and a friend of mine had very terrible experiences of miscarriages. So, I thought that was normal. I just didn’t know what would happen and thought the worst. I went to lie on my bed to rest and all of a sudden it seemed as if God in His mercy decided to reward me for accepting His will. I know He didn’t have to, but He did. He gave me an image of what was going to happen from start to finish. There was no sense of emergency or tremendous pain or anything bad associated with image as it unfolded. There was just getting up, going to the bathroom, releasing the baby, collecting the remains, and going back to my bed. A little while later, it was time. I got up, went to the bathroom and everything happened exactly as God had shown me. There was no physical pain, no anxiety, no emergency situation. I performed an emergency baptism for Jade.

Photo by Tomás Robertson on Unsplash

Although I was very sad, I was also grateful. As I went back to my bed and lay there, I began to thank God for His mercy that He showed me what was going to happen so I wouldn’t be afraid and then He let that happen in exactly that way! He truly guided me through the whole process so I could be at peace as I released my child to Him. I asked Him if my grandmother, who had died previously, could hold my sweet Jade until I could hopefully get to Heaven. God gave me a beautiful image in my mind of Jesus holding Jade. After three boys with light hair, two of whom had blue eyes, I was amazed to see a dark-haired, brown-eyed little girl in the image. She was so beautiful and precious, and words cannot possibly explain how relieved and grateful I felt.

My understanding came later when I became pregnant again. I realized that had Jade lived, Jacinta, who is my oldest living girl and tremendously gifted pianist, would not be here. It took me eight years of crying every day on November 8th, the feast of her entry into heaven when I miscarried her, to finally understand and truly accept that God wanted Jade with Him, and that He wanted us to have Jacinta. Jacinta needed to be here for a particular contribution to the world at this time.

In writing about this experience, I realized that I was also being taught about the absolute perfection of God’s timing. Even in grief, we can still have peace that there is perfection in His timing and perfection in His purpose for each human being, whether they go to Him before they are born or sometime afterward. I still remember Jade every November 8th, but now it’s with joy that she is with God, where I hope to be with her one day, and with thanksgiving for Jacinta who is here with us. By accepting the destiny God had for one daughter, I was given a double blessing of two daughters. Indeed, God is always “close to the broken-hearted.”

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