Those Who Mourn

By Catherine Rider

Holidays are hard. Getting through the end of the year in a state of grief is like running a marathon while carrying bricks that are bigger and weigh more than you. While wearing wet socks.

You made it through the holidays, just to stare down the barrel of a new year and sometimes, the thought of facing a new year is almost too much to bear. For some, it may be first year without someone who you loved deeply. For some, it may be the fear of another year full of negative tests or more loss. Maybe there’s a new diagnosis or a life change that blindsided you. All of these can make the new year feel like a new opportunity for grief to show up or continue showing up. It can be difficult to align the heaviness with which grief covers the new year with the “out with the old and in with the new” attitude of resolutions and New Year Cheer. 

Several years ago, when we had only been married about two and half years, I was really struggling with idea of a new year – another new year with no living baby, but three little saints. With each gathering, I couldn’t help but think of the little ones who were missing. Shopping for presents, I was reminded of the stark absence of certain names on my gift list. Watching all the nieces and nephews, I couldn’t help but thinking of the missing cousins; that we “should” have had a six week old but instead we had more children who we will only get to meet if we make it to Heaven. 

As in previous years, I used Jen Fulwiler’s word generator to prayerfully be “assigned” a word to provide a focus during the year. Before hitting the word generating button, I would say a sincere prayer and ask to be “given” a word that will have an impact and provide some help throughout the year. One year, I got the very appropriate “STUDY” – while working through the bulk of classes to complete a master’s degree. 

That year, I approached it a little differently. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I asked our little ones to have Jesus to send me a word that I needed to hear, even if it was a really difficult-to-deal-with word (because how can you be a better person, if you are not painfully critical, right?). I sat there for a little bit, almost terrified to hit the button. 

The word KISS flashed across the screen. I’m not sure what the statistical chance of getting that word was. Part of me was stunned and wanted to take it as a literal kiss from Heaven, from my babies- sent especially to me. Part of me wondered how the heck you make that a word to live by for a whole year. So, I accepted it as a gift and resolved to figure out ways that I can live by it. A few days later, a friend whom I had not spoken to in too long called just to chat and check on me. I don’t think she will ever know how much that phone call meant to me. It was almost as if another kiss had been sent to me. 

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

So, here are my ideas about this interesting word: 

Be softer. Many times trauma or grief causes us to put up walls and harden hearts. Sometimes that comes out in unkind words to a spouse or a sibling, when if we were all softer there could be an opening for empathy and understanding on both parts. These walls close us off, not just to our neighbor, but also to God. Scripture warns us against hardness of heart. 

Be cognizant. Frequently when we go through grief or even stress, we are not in touch with what is wrong enough to verbalize it. Often, this results in provoking arguments with or pushing away those who love us most, perpetuating that distress we feel. Taking a moment to really think about and verbalize what is wrong, what is the cause, and what we can do to help ourselves goes a long way towards loving both ourselves and our neighbor. 

Be the kiss. Call your friend. Send a card, don’t just buy it and write it and let it collect dust. Reach out. Extend the invitation. Check on the person you know is hurting. Show up. Be there. Be the kiss. 

Here’s to 2026 and starting the year with a kiss. 

“There is no evil to be faced that Christ does not face with us. There is no enemy that Christ has not already conquered. There is no cross to bear that Christ has not already borne for us, and does not now bear with us. And on the far side of every cross we find the newness of life in the Holy Spirit, that new life which will reach its fulfillment in the resurrection. This is our faith. This is our witness before the world.” – Pope St. John Paul II 

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