by Nichole Haugen
You survived the holidays! Things will be smooth sailing from here on out.
That is what we want to believe, however, that is not how grief works. I can remember being so shocked that my grief was worse in January. What was I doing wrong? Weren’t the holidays supposed to be the hard part? I powered through that, so shouldn’t things only go up from here?
We have so many expectations that we aren’t aware of. In my grief I had the expectation that the first year would be the hardest, and afterwards it would get better. I had always heard that the holidays were hard, so I thought once I moved through them, it would be easier. The shock that these expectations and beliefs weren’t true only added to my pain.
My brain then tried to jump on board and tell me how I must be the only person in the world who is doing this grief thing wrong. If January was hard for others, I would have heard about it. This put me further into a guilt, shame, and sadness spiral.
Winter Landscape, Peder Mørk Mønsted, 1917
So why does January feel so hard with grief? Part of it is because all humans know that the holidays are hard when you are grieving. Even people who have never experienced the death of a loved one, understand November and December to be hard. So you get extra support. People check in. People invite you to gatherings.
The other part is we are expecting the holidays to be hard. We feel we are justified or have a reason for why we feel awful. We don’t have to explain ourselves as often. When that safety blanket is gone, but the grief remains, we feel exposed and vulnerable.
So how can we make January a little better for ourselves while carrying grief?
First, know that this is normal. January is hard and you are not the only one going through this.
Second, I want you to picture an image of where you are most comfortable or at peace. For me when I picture comfort, I picture snuggling in on my oversized lounger couch. I have a soft cozy blanket. I am wearing an oversized, soft, baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants. I have on fuzzy socks. I have a book that I am halfway through, just enough to know that it’s a great book, but not too far in that it will be ending soon and I will be sad that I have to find another book. I have a cup of mint hot chocolate. What does an image of comfort look like to you? Describe it in detail. It helps if you journal about it. Keep asking yourself, what else? What else?
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After you have this clear image in your mind, what feeling do you get from that image? I get the feelings of comfort, peace, and relaxation. I want you to think of making January and the upcoming months look and feel more like that. How can you make your January feel more comfortable, more peaceful, and more relaxing (or whatever feelings you came up with)? Maybe it looks like saying no to more events. Maybe it looks like saying yes to more events. You might go out and buy your favorite snacks or have a few of your favorite movies lined up to watch. As you plan out the next week to two weeks, keep asking yourself how can I get more of those feelings that I felt from that image? What else?
This is a very simple but effective way to take care of yourself at the beginning of the year, but really anytime of year. We all know that grief doesn’t wait until we are ready for it, but if we have a game plan in mind, it helps us feel more prepared when it does.
Nichole Haugen is a wife, mom to six girls, nurse, and grief coach. In 2019, her dad passed away after a long fight with cancer, and just four months later, her mom died suddenly in a winter storm. Now she supports others on their grief journeys, helping them feel understood and reminding them they don’t have to face it alone. You can learn more about Nichole at catholicgriefcoach.com, or follow her on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram.