by Jocelyn Abyad
Many of us have a before and after story that we can tell. These are moments that changed and shaped who we are today: Before I graduated college and after I began my career; before I met my spouse and after our wedding day. Often, these are joyful moments in our lives.
But sometimes, befores and afters are sorrowful moments.
Before I lost 3 babies to miscarriage, I did not know what it was to question the goodness of God, to feel my faith falter and my heart physically ache with sorrow. After I buried my children was when I began to understand how truly wonderful and terrible the cross of Christ is.
Psalm 139:12 says, “Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one,” and faithful as always, God has proven this true. For while the days and months following these losses were some of the darkest moments of my life, by the grace of God, I am inspired to serve others and help ease this burden for them. Christ has made my story of before and after into a story of darkness which became light.
Photo by Jocelyn Abyad
Before I knew that a positive pregnancy test didn’t always mean a baby would be in my arms nine months later, I believed that fertility was straightforward and simple. We could simply be “open to life,” and the biggest concern would be “too many babies” and never whether or not those babies would live. After I accepted that I would continue living in a world where not all of my children did, I was able to begin again. With the help of my mom and dear friends, we created a ministry for those experiencing miscarriage or infant loss. While we are working to make the story of other people’s after one of hope and healing rather than desolation and darkness, I too am being healed.
Before I experienced losing a child, Heaven felt like a distant someday-far-away place, but after I buried my children, I understood that it is much less a place far away than an intimate dwelling with Christ, a foretaste of which we are already living.
I know that some of you have lost babies too soon as well.
We will see our children again. Until that time, we pray that Christ’s light will enter into the before and after stories of our lives and turn our darkness into light.
Jocelyn Abyad is the wife of Fr. Zyad Abyad and mother of 7 daughters on earth and 3 babies in Heaven. She shares insights on homeschooling and liturgical living across multiple platforms as Melkite Momma and is a regular contributor to Byzikids Magazine. In 2024, she co-founded We Carry You Still, a nonprofit ministry offering support and resources for women and families who have experienced miscarriage or infant loss. You can find and follow Jocelyn on Instagram.
photo by Krissa Correa
Beautiful Article.