Those Who Mourn

by Nichole Haugen

The Advent and Christmas Season can bring up feelings of grief, and many people find themselves asking two questions during this time of year: How can they make the holiday special for everyone else when they’re not feeling Christmas cheer? And what are some ways that they can remember or honor their loved one this time of year?

The first thing is to acknowledge that it’s okay if you are not feeling cheerful. A very sad, traumatic, life-changing event happened. Of course you don’t feel joyful or excited about the holidays. Advent and Christmas may look different this year. This isn’t a poor reflection on you. You don’t need to act happy because your loved one “would want you to be happy,” as people may tell you. That isn’t being happy; that is stuffing down your emotions to try to please others. 

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I am going to give you some practical tips on ways you can remember your loved one this season. But first, I’m going to talk about how to identify your emotions and to allow yourself to feel them. 

Step One: be aware that you are having an emotional response. Whether you feel yourself wanting to cry, to lash out, or to shut down and retreat, in that moment it is helpful to just be aware that you are feeling difficult emotions.

Step Two: find the feeling in your body and name it. Where is it? Is it in your shoulders? Your chest? Is it in one spot or does it radiate? What color is it? If it were an image, what would it look like? Is it heavy or light?

Once you find it and name it, then see if you can change it. Here is an example:

When I feel betrayed it feels like 500 little bouncy balls bouncing around in my chest. Some of them escape and start to bounce down my arms. I can feel the energy pinging off of me. They are each going 100 miles per hour. If I were to give them a color, they would all be very bright, glaring designs and colors like lime green, zebra print, flamboyant orange. As I start to recognize that feeling, I picture the bouncy balls slowing down. They are now going at half speed and there are only 100 of them, the colors are starting to turn into purple, a light orange or yellow. As I think of them even more, they begin to just bounce at a slow pace. There are only about 10 left. They are now earthy colors like tan, green and blue. 

Photo by Kai Wenzel on Unsplash

Once we have calmed down our nervous system, then we can think logically about what we would like the holidays to look like without our loved one.

Here are 20 ideas for how to do that. You can choose as many or few as you like. Remember, what you choose to do this year does not need to be permanent. Decide what your bare minimum is and decide what else you may want to eliminate for this year. Next year can look different, but what do you need for this year?

• Have a Mass said for deceased, even if it’s for 6 months from now, it can be a gift to them
• Put their picture on a candle and have it lit on Christmas day
• Make their favorite holiday treat
• Play their favorite Christmas song and sing to it at the top of your lungs (and/or cry)
• Have an ornament made in memory of them
• Gather family or friends to sit at the table and go around sharing a favorite memory of your loved one
• Pull out some pictures of them to reminisce
• Make a donation in memory of them
• Visit the cemetery
• Say a Novena for them
• On each of the 12 days of Christmas, say a prayer for them
• Frame their handwritten recipe and display it in your kitchen
• Make their favorite baked goods and give them away in their honor
• Volunteer at a charity they loved
• Do a random act of kindness in their honor
• Journal about what you miss about them and all the ways you are grateful they were part of your life
• Sit quietly by the tree and think of a memory
• Pray for them at every Mass attended from now until the New Year
• Wear clothing or a jewelry item of theirs during the festivities or to Mass
• Place an ornament of a Saint that they admired on your tree

These are just some of the little ways that we can remember those we love. We can do them on our own or with family or friends. 

I am praying for you and your loved ones this Christmas season.

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