Those Who Mourn

by Allison Brown

I was barely a teenager when I became chronically ill. It was just before my 13th birthday, lining up in the school hall for routine vaccinations, completely oblivious that my world was about to change and all my hopes and dreams were about to vaporise. Within 20 minutes, I was experiencing symptoms that gradually became worse, and I was eventually bedridden.

I missed about three months of school, and although I ultimately returned, I continued to struggle with attending full-time. My friends informed me that the school had held a meeting with the entire Year 7 grade, during which the school counsellor explained that I was unwell and that when I returned, everyone was to treat me with kindness and say hello.

I was suddenly given a new identity. I was no longer known as Allison but as the sick girl. This new identity took over my life. I was treated differently as if there was no hope for me. Nobody expected much of me, and well-meaning people constantly asked or spoke only about my ill health. It was all people could see. People could no longer see beyond my chronic health issues. I felt invisible and unseen. I felt like no one knew who I was anymore. Even worse, I felt like I no longer knew who I was.

I hated it so much that I started wearing make-up to hide my pale skin and dark circles under my eyes. I tried to present myself as a happy and healthy person. But it was all an act, and through this act, I continued to lose my identity even more. I continued to wear different masks to conceal what was happening. Sometimes, I couldn’t keep up the facade, and I would crumble in anxiety and depression. My struggle with chronic illness was not just physical but also emotional.

As the months went by, I became increasingly isolated as my severe fatigue prevented me from being able to live an active and social life. I was experiencing a lot of rejection and bullying from kids at school who were supposed to be my friends. Whispers of rumours that I was faking it and just pretending eventually reached my ears. I started feeling paranoid and anxious just being around people as I felt like everyone was always talking about me behind my back. My peers continued to reject me, and I was told they didn’t want to hang around me because I was sick all the time. There were days when my heart would crumble, and I fell apart.

Studies of a Woman Praying, Ludwig Emil Grimm

No one understood how I would use all my energy and strength to show up and be present. Physically, I was beyond exhausted, and brain fog prevented me from reaching my true potential in school. Mentally, I was on the edge. I found relief in my drama class, where I could channel all my emotions through the characters I portrayed. However, this soon became just another mask to hide behind. It felt comforting to take on a different character and escape into the persona I created for each role. However, the bullying and rejection I faced at school only added to my struggle, making it harder for me to maintain a positive outlook.

I continued to lose my identity as I grew into adulthood, married and became a mother. I would constantly hide behind the mask of perfectionism, afraid that if anyone saw the real me —the truth —I would not be loved and would instead be quickly rejected. I was always running on nervous energy and heightened anxiety. I would stumble over my words and actions, having no self-confidence. Something needed to change, but I had no idea what, as my chronic health issues were seemingly here to stay.

At 16, I had distanced myself from my faith, but it was after the birth of my first child that I felt a strong pull back to the Church. This reconnection with my faith brought a small flicker of hope, a light I carried through the years. It was a relief, a comfort in the storm of my struggles. My faith became a source of strength, a beacon of hope in the darkest of times. Eventually, the Lord brought me to a community where I would receive the love and support I needed.

My faith deepened to new depths and became my anchor and source of strength in all areas of my life. As I began to focus on my spiritual life and implement a rule of life that included daily mental prayer and spiritual direction, my hope in the Lord grew significantly.

The Lord continued to draw me closer to Him as He stripped back the layers of wounds, revealing areas I needed to work on and heal. He broke down many walls and barriers that were preventing me from moving forward. Through prayer and my deepening relationship with God, I found the courage and strength to face my daily battles. Over time, God revealed that I was His beloved daughter, and my true identity was found in Him alone. Through this identity, I have grown confident in knowing who I am and to whom I belong. My belief in my identity through Christ has me standing taller with a joyful knowledge that I belong to Him.

Because I belong to Him, other people’s views or perceptions of me don’t matter or even measure up to the delight the Lord has found in me. I am free in this identity and no longer held down by chains placed upon me by others. The Lord broke these chains and replaced them with a glorious crown. My hope is found in the Lord as His beloved daughter.

He is my beloved, and I am His.

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