Navigating Grief on My Son’s First Day of School

by Michelle Nott

A sentimental image depicting a mother and her child walking towards a school, reflecting on the bittersweet emotions of a first day of school while remembering a lost sibling.

This upcoming school year will be exciting because my 3-year-old will be going to school for the first time. But what people won’t see on that first day of school as I am walking my son to his classroom are the missing two little feet walking into preschool for the first time with us.

I had a miscarriage in September of 2021. I went into my 8-week prenatal appointment with anticipation and instead left brokenhearted after I was told there was no heartbeat detected. Our fifth baby, our sweet Jesse Frances, had passed away. We buried Jesse on October 1st. And then in November, we discovered I was pregnant again with my now 3-year-old son.

It’s an interesting situation to be in. While I wish I never had lost Jesse, I also realize that if I hadn’t then my son would not be here; we have my son because Jesse died. That’s a weird concept to wrap my head around, and I don’t think it is something I will ever understand.

My heart has healed over time. The pain of losing Jesse is not as bad as it once was. I also can find joy in my son, our blessing that God gave us during a time of sorrow.

Grief likes to surprise you. You could be doing fine for a while and then get hit by a bout of grief all over again. Milestones, like the missed first day of school, can trigger it. Just like the holidays, they can be difficult to navigate because it makes you reflect on what’s missing. My son will be starting school, and I’m so excited for him to have new and exciting experiences. But I’m also sad that Jesse won’t be going to school with him.

Some of my children are old enough to start asking more questions about Jesse. And I am wondering what Jesse would have been like. Would Jesse have high energy like my son starting preschool? Would Jesse have been shy? Would Jesse have liked school?

A historical painting depicting a group of children walking along a path toward a school, accompanied by a female figure, set in a rural landscape with trees and distant houses.

The School Walk, Albert Anker, 1872.

One of the beautiful things about our faith is that throughout the grief, God is there. And I also believe that Jesse is watching over us too. So, while my son will be the only one physically going to preschool, I’d like to think that his sibling is also with him and praying for him. And both are dearly loved by myself, my husband, and our Heavenly Father.

I am choosing to feel joy on my son’s first day of school. I can miss Jesse and miss the milestones, but I can also embrace the gift God gave us and celebrate my son’s first day of school.

Michelle Nott is a Catholic stay-at-home mom to her six children. She loves to write about her faith and motherhood experiences. In her free time she can be found at the gym, reading a good book, or making sourdough. Follow her on Instagram.