by Nichole Haugen
Whether your loved one died recently or years ago, there are times when you feel that loss more acutely. The world may feel emotionally unsafe, like you are walking on a tightrope and the safety net was torn away.
Often, we rely on someone else to fill the void. We may think our spouse will step up, or expect our friends to call or text and say the perfect thing. When they don’t, we can feel even more alone.
So what can we do? Are we just destined to feel sad, lonely, and emotionally abandoned? That is up to us. Instead of merely waiting for others to support you, here are some steps that you can take to support yourself.
Think of the times that your family or friends have supported you and you felt loved. Write down the exact phrases that they used. Some of these phrases might be:
“I am here.”
“You are never a burden.”
“You are safe.”
“You are loved.”
Write down what they did when they were comforting you. Some of these actions might be a soft touch on your shoulder or a hug. Get specific.
Consider your own preferences. Do you prefer no physical contact? Do you like it when people offer constructive feedback? Are you sharing to be heard and validated in your feelings? Or are you looking for solutions?
Now that you have a list of support phrases and actions that you like and dislike, ask yourself if there are people in your life who drain you more than fill you up. This is information for you. Consider steering clear of these people on really difficult days.
Place your list of phrases on your mirror, in your closet, or someplace you will see daily. Read this as often as you need. Some days you may need to read this 20 times. Other times you may not read it for days. This is a simple way to support yourself when you feel alone in your grief.
Christ Praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, Hans Thoma, 1894.
Like anything new, it can take practice to get comfortable with comforting ourselves. It is normal to still long for someone to reach out and support you. We are made for community and connection. Offer this loneliness to our Lord. This is a painful suffering that He understands and felt in the garden of Gethsemane.
Pray to the Holy Spirit to place someone in your life that you can lean on for support. Never forget that we always can turn to God, Mary, and the Saints in this pain and find friendship with them. Many of them suffered in the same way and can be of comfort during this time.
Nichole Haugen is a wife, mom of 6 girls, nurse, and grief coach. She lost both her parents in 2019, 4 months apart. After struggling with grief for many years, she is now helping others manage their grief in healthy ways, by allowing the feelings instead of suppressing them and prolonging them. Learn how you can work with Nichole at catholicgriefcoach.com.